Thoughts from the (un)Perfect Mother

As my mother shouted to me, "I HOPE YOU HAVE DAUGHTERS WHO ARE JUST. LIKE. YOU!" I never dreamed that it would become my reality.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

I don't think I have ever

been a "conventional" mother.

Child-proofing the house? Nadda. I mean, sure, I made sure that knives werent laying around the house, but that vase that sat on the bottom shelve of the entertainment center?

Stayed there.

Never got broken.

I think the only time I even used a baby gate was to keep the puppy out of the living room when we were training him.

Strollers?

I don't "do" strollers.

I think they are a pain in the butt, and my children always wanted out anyway, so why bother with the effort?

As soon as they could waddle a few steps, they wanted nothing to do with that Stroller thing.

And before they could walk, I wanted to hold them, because I knew there would come a day would they wouldnt want me to.

Today was one of those days.

My 7 year old..... going to school this morning...... wouldnt give me a hug. Just a quick kiss on the cheek, because *someone* might see her.

*Someone*?

Who in the hell is *someone*?

She is only 7 for crying out loud!

But, I accepted my quick kiss on the cheek, because I knew that this was important to her.

Her independence is coming out more and more everyday.

So now, I am off to pick up the 4 year old from daycare.

She always runs to me screaming "MOMMMAAAAAA!" and jumps on me.

Let's just hope she does it today, or I swear my heart is just going to rip out.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

It sure has been

a long time since I posted!


Well, I am engaged. Yes, it has happened.

I have actually found a real live man! (That I want as a part of my family!)

Honestly, I did not pick very well the first time I got married. I mean, it was my choice, but I just did not choose very well.

Don't get me wrong, if it wasnt for that poor choice, I would not have these beautiful daughters of mine, so maybe the bad choice wasnt altogether terrible; but as far as the marriage, being a father, and taking care of responsibilities part, it was a bad choice.

I think that is why I have stayed single all of these years. It isnt that I havent met and known good men before this; it was just that I did not trust my ability to choose. And now, my choices effected more than just me; they effected my two little angels.

Maybe after all these years, I have decided that I am trustworthy. I mean, I havent gotten anyone seriously hurt yet; food is always on the table, clothes are always available, children get to participate in extra activities. I have managed to keep a roof over our heads, and provide a decent life for my children and myself.

Not doing so bad.

But there was always something missing. Even when we were having the best times together, something was missing. We all knew it; we all felt it.

Then I met Christopher Jackson.

He notices that after you clean out your car, vaccum and wash it, that it runs better.

And here I thought that I was the only one who thought that.

Yes, I found my soul mate. And it has been over how a car runs better after washing and cleaning it out.

I was hestitant to bring him around the girls. How would they react to him? How would he react to them?

It was amazing to watch. The fell in love with each other immediately.

And thats when I really knew that I had found what had been missing.

Sure, we have had our disagreements. But our goals are the same. We want the same things for our family. We believe in the same things. Sometimes, it is just how to make those things a reality is what we disagree on. But we compromise, we look at each way, and decide whats best. We are a team.

And I am the happiest that I have been in a very long time.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Pesky Peeve

of mine.

Parents who deem themselves better than anyone else.

Honestly, who are you to know what my issues are within my life, my family?

Who are you to judge my mothering skills?

Who are you to determine whether or not I can "handle" my children.

You know nothing of my life, other than what I share. These stories that I may share, or other mothers share on their blogs are journals of things our children do NOW. It has nothing to do with not being able to "handle" them. It has everything to do with retelling stories that are humorous. Pondering our children, watching them become their own person, watching their own ideas take hold and how we attempt to guide them into the path of the people that we want them to become, only to watch them become who they are. And, besides all of our attempts to deter them, they seem to become pretty awesome people, anyways.

I will only say this:

Until you have walked in my shoes, do not judge me. I am a single parent. I did not ask to be one. I never intended on being one. It was not my choice.
The job I have that provides for my children is steady, but it is not a 9-5 gig. It is not one that always allows me to be home. See, I am not only a mother, a woman, a friend, a daughter, a granddaughter. I am also a Soldier.

Do not come to me complaining about your life. About the sacrifices that you have to make as a mother.

I will laugh with you. I will smile along side you. I will nod and totally understand everything you are saying. I will enjoy the stories and tales of your children, of your mothering.

But I do know sacrifice. I know hardship. And how dare you think yourself the only one who ever had to deal with anything hard because your child is "special".

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

The store

Somehow, my children managed to find their way to the small movie rental section of the store. I do not know how this happened; all I do know, is what happened after that.

"MOOOMMMM!!!! THEY HAVE CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN 2!!!!!!! CAN WE RENT IT? PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE PLEAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????

I said, sure. I mean, why not? i liked the first one, I was sure to enjoy the second one, and sure was cheaper than bringing them to see Ice Age 2 that night, (which I had not told them I was going to do)

Well, then the chasing and shouting through the store started.

"MOOOOMMMM MAKE HER STOP CHASING ME!"

"MOOOMMM TELL HER TO LET MEEEEE HOLD THE MOOBBIE!"

"MOOOMMMM SHE WONT LEAVE ME ALONE!"

So, we quickly got the movie, and left for home.

Where, I had to make not ONE, but TWO bags of popcorn because they thought it was gross to share a bag, because, "WHO KNOWS WHERE HER HANDS HAVE BEEN?" Then a third bag, because they werent too sure about where MY hands had been, either.

And of course, the pauses. They were so excitied, they had to use the potty what seemed to be every 5 seconds.

So, after 3 and half hours, we finally finished watching the movie.

My 7 year old looked up at me and said,

"Mom, you need to have about 10 more kids so we can have a family like THAT!"

and my 4 year old?

"As long as I can keep my own room, ok, mommy?"

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Scrapbooking

I have decided to make my mother a scrapbook of her grandchildren for Christmas.

Lucky for me, I have bought enough scrapbooking supplies in the last 2 years to open my own small scrapbooking store.

The truth is, I love to buy scrapbooking supplies. Scrapbooking itself? It is just a byproduct of buying all the other things.

The biggest problem I have, I believe, is that I do not have a set space for my "craftiness".

It goes like this:

"I think I am going to scrapbook."

Go to the hallcloset where all the scrapbooking stuff is in the top closet, so high I need a 6 foot ladder to get it down.

"I need to open up these boxes and see what I already have!"

Proceed to open 5 storage bins filled to capacity of scrapbooking stuff.

"I need to lay all this stuff out so I can "see" properly."

Lay out all the scrapbooking stuff all over the dining room table, which I have, of course, extended out so it will seat 8 people. Or 5 bins of scrapbooking stuff.

"Whew, I am tired after all that work. I think I am going to take a break!"

Come to the computer, and browse around a bit. Go back to the scrapbooking table. Make a layout or two. Realize that I need to start cooking dinner, and we will have no where to eat unless I pack all this stuff away. Pack all the stuff away. Go make dinner.

Never completed ANY scrapbook I EVER Started.

Well, this time, I decided that dinner can be eaten in the living room, as long as the television is off, and we are all sitting in there together.

I have also decided, that instead of having everything out, including photos, that I am going to make my layouts without the photos, that way, the pages are actually in a book, and when I have a few moments, I can always take the book out and dabble with the embellishments. (I have one bin full of those, not as much of a mess maker.)

Hopefully, this system will work. I figure it will take me about 5 days to make all the layouts, then I can put everything but that one bin away, and work on the pages later, adding the photos and the embellishments.

(I do know which photos I want to use, so it isnt like I am going crazy, and the photos will never fit. Besides, the majority of the photos I am using are black and white, so the color scheme doesnt really matter. Although, for my mothers book, I have decided to go all out with pink. Hot pink, dark pink, light pink, pink pink, all sorts of pink. And hearts. Lots of hearts, on every page. That way, at least it has a theme. I mean, isnt that the point of scrapbooking?)

Oh, if only I had an acutal *room* to keep all this stuff laid out! Life would be so much easier!

(And, I could lock the door when I leave, so the girls dont decide that they *really* need that paper to make whatever it is that they are making at the time. I really hate when I *know* I had 4 pages of a pattern, and when I look, I only have *one* page left! Of course, when they present their projects to me, it is a bittersweet hate, because how can a mother not love what her children have created?)

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Photos of children


Are hard to get.

Well, it is not hard to take photos of them, but getting them to stay still while I take the photo, and smile nicely, that seems to be the tricky part.

Today, we went to the pancake breakfast, (All you can eat for 6.95 - and under 5 eats free!) the playground, and then we went bowling. (it was a bit chilly outside)

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

The frugality Begins

So, over the last 2 months, I have been tracking where I am spending my money. And what I am spending it on.

The purchasing power of my dollar needs to stretch in order for me to reach the goals that I have set for myself.

Like many people, I just looked at the MUST pay bills, and anything left over after that was free game to spend.

Yes, I do have money allocated to savings. And it is directly taken from my paycheck, so I dont even have to think about it. Which is fortunate for my retirement account, because honestly, if I had the money in my hands, I probably would be spending it on something other than retirement.

So, after doing all my research on myself, (i.e. how I spend money) I have now set limits on myself, and budgeted (oh my GOD!) my money into how I want it to work FOR me.

Number one priority right now; pay off that pesky credit card. Which, if I follow my plan, will be done by christmas time. Yippeee!

Save money in an account for Christmas, so I am not using the pesky credit card to buy gifts for my family and friends. (How about NO CHRISTMAS? That sounds like a good idea to me. Maybe I should run that by the ankle biters?)

Save money for our Go to Disney World January of 2008 fund. (I did the research, how much it would cost if we went today, and then upped the amount by about 6 percent for how much it would cost then, and decided how much I would want to just blow while there on mouse ears and whatnot, divided the amount by 18, and decided, it was a doable goal)

Limit gorcery store purchases to $37.50 a week. (I know that doesnt sound like much. But I did the math, and the research on how much crap I was buying at the grocery store, and realized, I can feed my family (who is gone during the day - no way would I be able to do this if I was feeding them more than just dinner and breakfast and lunch on the weekends) for that amount, plus buy the ever important toliet paper)

Give myself an allowance. (yeah, I know. It sucks. But if I am allowed to run wild with all my money, trust me, I will spend it all, no problem!)

Pay a certain amount a month over the minimum on the pesky card.

Basically, I have allocated every single dollar, except for 35 of them, to a certain use. I have developed a plan in case I spend less that I have allowanced to myself,(Lets see if that plan ever gets put into use!) and what to do if I have any left over grocery money.

I am a bit excited about my plan. I dont see it as restricting myself; more as limiting my wants at the moment for my wants in the long run.

I just hope that I can show enough self disicpline to make it work!